That Which Causes The Visions

 That Which Causes The Visions

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I woke up so jarringly in a cold sweat, screaming again. My skin was pale and I could feel my throat was dry. The images of my nightmares always flash through my head for a second time when I begin to stir. These horrible visions haunt me whenever I close my eyes. When was it I had gone to sleep in the first place? No matter. I was awake, and I was determined to keep it that way. I was and still am to this very moment so very terrified- petrified even- of accidentally dozing off that I force myself to place all my mental resources on preventing it. The stress my restless nights are beginning to exert on my body and mind feel like a torture of inordinate- ineffable proportions.

Occasionally, I lose focus and slip into a slumber. It has been impossible for me as of late to doze off without drifting into some sort of dream which paralyzes me with fear. I am afraid of sleep, for my most vivid dreams are nightmares, and I have vivid dreams every night. I am terrified because I know I will have to face these demons every single time. Occasionally, I will not be awoken immediately by the haunting events which seem to unfold before my very eyes. Sometimes, a second dream will begin to take place. These dreams are so similar to my everyday life that the line between dreams and reality is beginning to blur. Sometimes, I will fall asleep in a dream only to wake up in another where I am forced to endure demons and visions of my family being brutally slaughtered and devoured by chimeras and the like. Sometimes, I will wake after taking in these events. Others, I will somehow end up in another dream, being trapped in dark rooms and forced to run towards beings whose only goals are to make me scream and writhe in agony. 

Either way, I eventually wake up in what seems to be reality, but I know any attempt at staying awake is nothing more than a futile attempt to run away from something greater than I. I feel there is a being- this thing- deep within the recesses of my mind which causes me this pain. It laughs at me. Mocks me. Calls me a fool. One night, I had a vision where I saw a being of some kind, which I believed to be this thing. Its face was pallid and emaciated, covered in rotting flesh which was in some places a pale beige, and in others, where the skin was beginning to fall off, a rich brownish-yellow. There were deep gashes upon its face and what seemed to be many rough, jagged holes which ran deep into its cheeks and most other bits of its face. Abrasions lined the spots of skin around the holes, which were a deep black in color. Thin layers of gauze were wrapped around its forehead, allowing for only a few tufts of thin, grey hair to be visible, with a few strips of the gauze covering the cheeks and neck, running down to its collar bone and chest. It stared at me- into me- with soulless, milky eyes. The sclera of its eye was a marbled black, with a tinge of wavy yellow- the same shade a water damaged ceiling takes on after many years of neglect. It grinned at me with rotten and jagged teeth, its lips spreading unnaturally wide across its face, almost ear to ear, somehow maintaining a relatively small gap in how wide its mouth was open. It seemed as if a thin veil of smoke cloaked the area around its body- all except for its face. The space it was standing in was pitch black. There was no identifiable beginning or end to the space it occupied. It simply was. 

I saw this being- this creature- shrouded in darkness, and yet, was not afraid. My feelings towards this creature were so unlike any previous that I was struck by a wave of confusion and delirium. Why was it that this creature of my nightmares did not cause any panic or terror? Why was it that this creature so suddenly decided to show itself to me? I had no answers to my questions. 

Soon after this vision, I returned to what seemed to be reality and began the cycle of drifting into dreams which would make me wake up terrified and screaming. Again and again this continued until I surmised I could no longer take this pain, and yet, there was not a single thing I could do to stop it. It seemed as if there would never be an end to my agony, until one night something quite out of the ordinary happened as I found myself in another dream. 

This dream seemed at first to be more pleasant than the others, however, I still had a sense that things were simply off- out of place. This time I found myself walking down an empty street in a quiet neighborhood deep into the night, where it seemed to have just rained. I walked until I reached a bridge which crossed a small river. The moonlight glistened softly off of the water, which seemed to be neither still nor flowing. The path in front of me was lit by street lights, which reflected off of the water on the pavement. Trees lined the walkway, and at first I thought nothing of them, until I heard birds excitedly chirping in the branches. Why would they be so active at this time? The weather was somewhat chilly, which told me it wasn't mating season. There would be no need to communicate in such a giddy manner as they were. Although strange, I let these thoughts go and continued down my path. I came to a row of houses, where I could see water droplets from the rain still slowly falling from the gutters onto the ground and making pattering noises. Oddly, however, I looked up to see small icicles forming on some of the gutters. Some water droplets froze to the icicles, and others fell to the ground as they normally would. It was chilly, but nowhere near cold enough for water to freeze. Again, I thought these things were off, but I continued along my path. Eventually I stumbled across what seemed to be a school of some kind. A display out front showed the weather forecast for the coming day, and it showed skies to be clear, but the coolest time of the day was said to be at noon. As these out of place occurrences began to slowly stack up, I still felt grateful for the calmness bestowed upon me with this dream. Further still, I continued down my path, forgetting the strange things behind me. 

I kept walking and walking until my feet began to ache. I had not come across anything else peculiar until I saw something shining in the distance, the same way light reflects off of a polished piece of metal. I was still too far away to make out what it was, and so as I came closer to it, I could see it was a mirror. It was placed oddly in the middle of a sidewalk facing directly towards me. I was still too far away to identify anything it was reflecting, though it should have had me in its reflection. Still too far away to see myself in it, I was somehow able to discern its slender, heartwood frame. 

As I got nearer and nearer, I still saw no reflection of myself in the mirror. As soon as I was about ten paces away from standing right in front of it, I felt the ground beneath my feet disappear, and everything around me dissolved into nothingness. I was stuck in a seemingly endless, black space, much like the one I saw in my vision of the being. There was no discernable beginning or end to the space I was floating in. There was no up or down, left or right. I felt as if I was enveloped in an invisible cloak- surrounded by some otherworldly presence. Something greater than I. 

Stuck, floating, in front of this mirror which seemed to reflect nothing, I did not know what to make of it. When something unexpected happens, people are usually unable to react accordingly right away. I have always been one of those people. I was unable to move, and so, with nothing to do, I stared deep into the mirror. I did not know what the expression on my face was like at that moment, but I soon found out. A reflection began to slowly take shape in the mirror. As its figure finished taking shape, it stared back at me. The being. I could see the expression on its face, and there was a look of sorrow and hateful intent- disdain- on its face. The same expression I bore at that moment. 

I knew then why I was not afraid of the being when I saw it in my vision the first time. It was simply a reflection of myself. So as I float here, motionless, I am coming to the realization that it is primarily I who causes all of my pain- that it is I who causes these vivid nightmares to plague my nights. Most if not all of the suffering in my life is a result of my actions. Even if there are others who are responsible for my torment, it is I who must do something about it. No one except me is going to change anything in my life. This reflection in front of me is a depiction of my soul. It may be mangled and scarred, but it is covered in gauze because it is trying to heal. Maybe the gauze is so poorly applied because I did it myself, and I am still learning to do it properly. Maybe it is alright to run away from sleep- from my problems in this life- in order to chase something better. Maybe by running away, I will reach others who can help me heal. If it is those surrounding me who are preventing that- if it is I who is preventing my own healing- I must create a new me, and new surroundings. I am not afraid of my current reflection because I know it is something to learn from. I am not afraid of my current reflection because I know that someday I will be able to look back and see how far I've come. I just need to get to the point where I can look back and see that something has changed within me. I have done it before and I will do it again if it means being released from the demons within my nightmares. The next time I look into this mirror, there will be a different reflection.