A Particularly Beautiful Stretch Of Sky

A Particularly Beautiful Stretch Of Sky

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I’ve never really been the outdoorsy type. Sure, I played outside tons when I was a kid, but I've never been a hiker or adventurer of any kind. Recently though, I've been inexplicably drawn to this idea of just dropping everything, picking a direction, and walking. I think these types of thoughts first came to me on a train ride awhile back. I was looking out the window, getting lost in the landscape, when I realized all that was in front of me were fields stretching for as far as the eye could see- no buildings in sight. Beautiful mountains lined the horizon and the setting sun invoked a certain sadness in me as I rode past it. Something felt like it was pulling me to just put on a backpack and walk until I couldn't anymore. An urge I haven’t been able to shake for a long while now.

I wasn't in any real position where I could just wander into the wilderness for unknown amounts of time without consequences, so I settled for a day trip. I would put a backpack on and walk as far down the coast as my feet would take me without any sort of plan. I was never and still am not accustomed to or comfortable with things I can not control, but I feel as if having no plan is something more fulfilling. I dislike change and the unknown, but something in my head keeps screaming, ‘I want to know what happens!’ I know not where I will end up, but I feel as if that is the most exciting part of it. 

That was what I had decided, and so here I am, walking down to the shore on an overcast morning. No one ever uses the beach I'm headed towards for anything besides walking their dogs, and no one will be present so far down the coast as I wish to go. I have nothing in my bag but food, water, and a raincoat I hope to not need. A voice rings in my head, ‘So what if I do though?’. Standing and shivering on a desolate beach all alone would be something new. I crave for something new. 

I’m not entirely sure when or why I came to this conclusion, but I believe life is about experiences, both good and bad. They can be new ones, they can be old ones, but I’m often plagued by this sense of hating when things get too stale. Things get stale when I’m stuck in the same place for too long. The only remedy I know for this feeling is to experience something different. I hate difference and I hate change, however, those are the only things that allow me to feel. I get complacent when I get comfortable, and there is always a little feeling that lingers telling me, ‘move on.’. I desperately try to claw my way out of my mental state or my physical location until the feeling subsides and then inevitably returns, sharper and sharper each time. Maybe that's what I'm trying to achieve with this day's trek. 

It’s strange the type of thoughts that one conjures when there is nothing to do except put one foot in front of the other. I hop from one idea to the next until I land on something that just needs to be fully thought out. My most recent one is this: I thrive in the structured life of work and school. I've always been good at it, but I absolutely detest it. I hate the authority and the superficial conversations and the condescending nature of it all. It feels so sickening that I’ve grown so accustomed to it, and even more so that I’ve let myself follow the whims of everyone around me. I play the game like I’m supposed to without second thoughts and wallow in self pity after it's all over. I wonder if I even have the right to feel the way I do. I’ve got it so good, haven't I? I realize now that on this walk I have no one and nothing to tell me how I should proceed. I can never get used to the sensation of having so many unknowns lying ahead, but something- a force I have never been able to discern pushes me on. 

I'm down at the shore now and it's only, what, nine o clock? The clouds loom overhead, yet the winds remain still. It looks like I might need my coat afterall. 

One step and then another, repeating this cycle and leaving my imprint in the sand. That is my only purpose at this moment. I look back to see an uninterrupted line of footprints winding from dry bits of sand to the still damp sand of the high tide. Eventually I wander close enough to the waves lulling on the shore for them to wash away my footprints, and I realize how small I am. 

I’m far enough down the coast now that the spot where I arrived is no longer visible. The slow curve of my path has proved to be rather impactful over long distances. Not only can I no longer see where I began my trek, I no longer see anyone else. I’ve been alone for sometime now, and I like it that way. There is nothing and no one to distract me. It has begun to rain and I am cold and shivering like I had imagined, yet it feels insignificant. Leaving footprints in the sand is all that my mind is preoccupied with. 

The day feels as if it is passing so quickly. It's the afternoon now. I stop to eat and take a few swigs of my water, and then on I go. I spot a cliff far off in the distance jutting up quite suddenly from the flat sands, and I think perhaps that is where I shall lay my head for the evening. On and on I walk, until as if someone drew a line in the sand and removed it all, I notice that the ground upon which I tread is now covered in stones and pebbles as opposed to sand. They clack beneath my feet as I walk, my feet trying to adjust to the uneven surface. This sudden change does not bother me for some odd reason.

On and on I walk. I notice a stone and what looks like a tree in the distance, which I don't think much of at first. As I get closer though, the silhouette starts to take shape. A person? Why would there be someone so far out here? Closer still I walk. A woman? Why is she just sitting there, staring off into nothing? Its freezing and wet. Is she alright? I'm maybe a hundred paces from her and she only just now has taken notice of me. The rocks I’ve been treading on turn back to sand around this rock. The cliff I spied earlier lies but a minute's walk behind her. Nearer and nearer I get when finally I stand only a few steps away from her.

‘Hi.’, She says with a certain emptiness.

Somehow though, as if she beckoned the sunshine with that one word, the sun broke through the clouds and the rain around us died down into nothing. The rays of warmth on my frigid skin sent a tingle through my body. 

‘Are you alright?’, I ask with concern in my voice.

No response. Just a stare with a puzzling look in her eyes. Such beautiful green eyes. They glimmer in the sun she just summoned and I feel compelled to speak to her. 

‘Umm.. may I ask why you’re out here?’

‘Are you sure you want to know?’

‘I mean.. It's just.. You're so far out here by yourself, in the cold, with nothing.’

Through a chuckle she says, ‘Yes, I suppose I am.’

‘So.. what are you doing out here?’

‘I came here to kill myself.’

I say nothing at first and sit down on the sand. 

‘Why might that be?’

She looks down at me from her boulder throne and says, ‘I can't seem to shake this feeling that I've forgotten something important about life and about myself. It's like I’m on a search for something, but I don't know what.’

‘I think I understand. I’m constantly chasing something I can't catch, but I feel as if today it's been within my reach.’

‘Is that why you're out here?’

‘Yes.’

‘Hmm.’

‘How were you going to.. y’know.. do it?’

‘Do you not see the vast expanse of blue in front of us?’She pauses and looks down at me with a smile. How can she smile when talking about this?

‘I was going to swim until I couldn't anymore and just wait for it to take me.’

‘Sounds.. slow.’

‘Nothing less than what I deserve.’

I look up at her and make the decision not to inquire about what she has done to make her feel this way.

‘Say, the sun is really nice. Looks like the sky is clearing up.’ I say while taking off my rain coat. 

‘It sure is.’

‘Hey, why were you smiling when talking about how you were gonna end things?’

‘Looking at the ocean makes you feel so small, doesn’t it? I just thought it was a little liberating.’

I remember looking back at my footprints and feeling the same way.

‘Yeah.’

‘What's your name?’ I ask.

‘Does it matter?’

I look into those eyes of hers again. I don’t find the same puzzling look as before. It’s.. a look of hopeful understanding.

‘Not particularly. I just asked because that's what people tend to do.’

‘Hmm, well I don't really care what people ‘tend’ to do. I tend to do things my way.’

‘I respect that.’

‘Say, scoot over.’

I oblige and she slides off of the rock she was on. She sits down next to me and puts her arms behind her to support her. I lie down and put my crossed arms behind my head. The sun shines down on us and we sit silently for a time, and then speak and speak until we notice the setting sun.

‘Say, what do you think life is about?’ She inquires.

‘I think life is about experiences, both good and bad. I don’t particularly enjoy the change associated with new things, but I think it's necessary.’

‘You're a little odd, don't you think?’ She says with a soft smile. ‘Hating change but needing new things and all.’

‘I suppose.’ I say through a chuckle.

‘Why do you think so?’

‘It's the only time it feels like life is moving slowly.’

‘Mm.’

She stares off into the horizon and a solemn expression forms on her face.’

‘What's wrong?’ I ask. 

‘I just remembered something.’ 

‘A bad memory?’

‘No, it's not positive or negative. It's just a memory.’

‘I see.’

So we sit in silence for a while more. 

‘Do you still want to kill yourself?’ I ask.

‘I’m not so sure.’ She says, looking me in the eye with a much brighter expression than before.

‘I think I want to try and keep on living. The conquest of certain fears and achievements in this life eludes me, but I am determined to someday catch up with them. I’ve been chasing the same highs for so long that I can't even feel them anymore. I want to feel happy and proud of myself. I’ve never been able to live up to my own standards, and I want to become someone who can.’

I understand what she says deep in my soul.

Half joking, half completely serious I say to her, ‘Well, I’d be happy to accompany you on your journey.’

She looks at me and smiles. Those green eyes of hers glisten in the setting sun and she says to me, ‘I’d want nothing more.’

‘What are you going to do after today?’ I ask.

‘I don’t know. I don't have much to go back to.’

I pause and look at her, then grab her hand with both of mine. I want to get to know this woman. I want to see her happy because I know I would be too and I don't care if that makes me selfish. I know she can turn my life of vapidity into something saccharine sweet, and I want to do the same for her. 

‘Will you come back with me?’

‘I’d be thrilled to.’

We both lie down and each wrap one arm around the other and sit in silence, perfectly in tune with everything around us. So here I am, lying on the sand next to this beautiful woman who I barely know, staring up at a particularly beautiful stretch of sky, and feeling for the first time in a long time like I belong. I think- no, I know now that what I’ve been searching for all this time is lying right next to me.